Time.

Wow. Where has the time gone? I can't believe Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and that Christmas is creeping up on us so fast. It is offical, we have been lovin on our sweet baby boy for three months now. He looks about the size of a 8 or 9 week old baby. Which I am ok with, as long as he is growing. He is such a joy for our family. I love him a little more each day. The last few days he has learned how to be a champion tummy timer. I'm anxiously awaiting his roll overs. He loves to smile at just about anybody at any time as long as you talk sweetly to him. He sleeps great at night, with a pretty long nap most days, I can't complain. Dax enjoys him too! He is always hugging, kissing, playing, and lovin on the baby brother. Dax is such a good help at throwing diapers away and laying next to Ryker while watching TV so I can shower or do the dishes. Dax man is THREE. He loves Spiderman & Batman. His favorite movie right now is "Monsters VS Aliens" & he loves to hit anything and everything with his foam sword. So visitors beware. He's also been into jumping. He jumps off of our steps, he jumps off of the curb, he jumps off the couch and bed. I'm afraid he's going to break his leg or foot or arm. Oh well. He's such a happy boy. He loves to read. We have been practicing his letters. Since we skipped out on Preschool this year, I try to do some form of learning throughout the day so he will keep his genius little brain working. Ray is away for work during the weekdays. He is in Thermopolis, WY. Boo! It's hard work being a single Mom. I don't mind the day routine, but night is killing me. Oh well, it won't be forever. I hope. I'm just counting my blessings. One of which is that Ray IS working. Even if it is away from us. We are having fun. We are all healthy, and happy. We pray constantly that it stays that way. We have witnessed first hand that it {Health} can change in an instant.

Cameron Thomas Roedel

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It has been seven years, one month and eleven days that my perfect, beautiful, tiny baby nephew Cameron was born. He was born sleeping. Just two months before his actual due date. It breaks my heart, for my sister. For her pain. Giving birth to a sleeping baby. She, Kami has shown me strength. She knew something was wrong. She went to the hospital the day before he was born. She heard his heart beat. It was strong. The Doctor sent her home. Said it's "normal" to bleed in pregnancy. She heard his heart beat the day before. THE DOCTOR SENT HER HOME. Could he still be here? Possibly. He was much to perfect for this world. He is now our guardian angel. I have felt his presence on more than one occasion. I am so thankful for the knowledge of the gospel, knowing that if I live right while on this earth, I will be reunited with this sweet spirit. Cameron is cheering us on. I can't wait to hug that boy.

2 Months Old!

This little Rockstar turned 2 months old!! He went to visit the Doctor yesterday. He is teeny tiny. But healthy.

Rykers stats: Weight- 9lbs 1oz (5%) Height- 21 3/4 in (5%) Head- 35.5 cm (3%) He is sleeping wonderfully through the night. He is such a good baby. He loves to be held. He loves his Big Brother. He also loves his Mama, he knows when I am holding him that is for sure. We love him soo much!!

First photos

Here are some of Ryker's first photos taken...

Look how absolutely beautiful he is!! I'm so very heart broken our first moments were taken from us, and we weren't able to bond in those first few days of life. But, I am so thankful he is still here.

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I'm going to sound like a broken record, but I am so thankful at how our situation turned out. Every now and then at night when Ryker is hooked up to his oxygen and pulse-ox I have a pouty party. I just wish it was easy for us to move from our room to lets say the living room. But it's not. It's a chore. It's a hassle. It's just plain frustrating. So, I give a small little cry, and get over it. I don't have much to pout about. Ryker is healthy!! My so very very sick baby is healthy. I am so thankful. Yesterday I read about a few families that also gave birth to a baby with PPHN. Some that were optimistic and reasurring, and some not so much. How did we get so lucky? It's amazing that we knew before this life what trials we were going to be given. We accepted those trials whole heartedly. Knowing that we would get a body, we were okay with them. I know that Heavenly Father wouldn't give us more than we can handle, and the reason being is that he would never NOT help us through what has been thrown or way. Because of all of the tender mercies given to us by our Father in Heaven, Ryker is going to be living a full life. There was a girl that I graduated High School with whose daughter was called to be home with our Heavenly Father at the young age at 1.5 years old. I remember one of her blog posts while she was enduring her trial stated "People ask me if I ever think, 'why me?' And I can't help but think, 'why not me?'" That hit too close to home. While at PCMC I would continue to repeat this to myself. Fortunately for us, we get to spend our days at home, with our sweet little heaven to help cheer us up through the hard days. What I am trying to get at is in the life before this, Ray and I both knew that this was going to be thrown our way. We were accepting of this trial. We knew Heavenly Father wouldn't stop helping us. With his comfort and guidence we did get through it. Somedays better than others, but we managed.

Pondering..

I write this post not to be negative, or show how naive I was during the last two months of my life, and first two months of my baby's life. I write this post, because I still find myself in somewhat denial (if that is the right term..?) I don't understand how a completely healthy pregnancy ALL 38.5 weeks can take a turn for the worst in an instant. I have heard a couple times that it was because he was born at 38.5 weeks, and that his lungs weren't developed. That is false. His lungs were fine, in that sense. Believe me, once I got to PCMC that was one of the first questions that I asked. I asked if the fact that he was born at 38.5 weeks was the cause of this, and if his lungs were under-developed, they were not. I always run through my head what I told my Doctor at almost every appointment after 20 weeks.. "just another boring day at the Doctor's office, nothing eventful to report here" and his reply would always be, "we like uneventful here." I always wonder, and think in my head if my "excitement" for an uneventful pregnancy lead Ryker to have this happen to him. Seriously, I know what you are thinking.. But that is what I think, ALL THE TIME. My pregnancy was so good to me. Besides being and feeling huge which is to be expected, I didn't have any symtoms. Maybe the ocassional indigestion. But I threw up ~maybe~ 3 or 4 times, never got swollen, didn't have high blood pressure (it actually improved) no gestational diabetes, even my headaches went away. I just don't understand how such a healthy and happy pregnancy can change in an instant. No one will ever know what it is like, the feeling that has been consuming me, unless you have been there. While in the NICU I met a whole bunch of parents, with babies that have different needs, different conditions, different prognosis, etc. I met parents that weren't as careful as they should be when they were pregnant. Sadly resulting in their baby needing NICU care. I also met parents that were just as or even more careful than I was that were also in the NICU. Doing everything right, and never forgetting to take a prenatal vitamin, avoiding certain foods, and drinks and still having a sick baby. I even stopped taking my anti-depressant, before I even took a pregnancy test. I wanted a healthy baby, and I wouldn't have wanted something that I did affect their quality of life. The hardest thing that I kept hearing from almost every nurse while we were there was how sick my baby was. I mean, I knew he was sick but I hated hearing those words. Here comes the naive part of me. Okay, I'm not so sure if it was the naive part of me, or if it was the comfort from the priesthood blessings that I received. But I would hear negativenot so positive comments from multiple people; Doctors, NNP's, nurses, & family members. I know they were just preparing us for the worst, but I honestly wouldn't listen. Again, here's my naive self.. I knew or had a feeling that everything was going to be ok. Looking back now, it kills me to look at his pictures. Thank goodness for medications that can sedate. Thank goodness that the wonderful people that took care of him could control his pain. He is honestly the strongest person I have ever EVER known, and he calls me his Mommy. Since being home, I have had the strength to learn about PPHN {Persistant Pulmonary Hypertension Newborn} I am in complete shock. It is honestly amazing the things the medical field can do, and amazing that he is alive. *Persistent pulmonary hypertension of the newborn (PPHN) occurs when a newborn's circulation system does not adapt to breathing outside the womb. While a fetus is in the womb, it gets its oxygen from its mother's placenta through the umbilical cords, so the lungs need little blood supply. There is high blood pressure in the lungs, so blood in the pulmonary artery is sent away from the lungs to the other organs through a fetal blood vessel, called the ductus arteriosus. When a baby is born and takes its first breaths, the blood pressure in their lungs falls and there is an increased blood flow to the lungs, where oxygen and carbon dioxide are exchanged. The blood is then returned to the heart and pumped back out to the body. The ductus arteriosus constricts and permanently closes in the first day of life. However, in babies with PPHN, the pressure in the lungs remains high and the ductus arterious remains open, allowing blood to be directed away from the lungs. PPHN is a rare, but life-threatening condition. It occurs most often in full-term or post-term babies who have had a difficult birth, or conditions such as infection or birth asphyxia, in which a baby receives an inadequate amount of oxygen during delivery. *information taken from http://www.persistent-pulmonary-hypertension-newborn.com/Persistent-Pulmonary-Hypertension.html Baby Ryker is doing extrememly well. We have been home for 3 weeks now. He is still on oxygen at night, and at nap time. But, he is on the lowest setting on his oxygen tanks. We are extremely thankful for all of the prayers that have been offered in his behalf. We are extremely thankful for the people that have donated financially to Ryker to help out with medical bills, and other financial obligations that were thrown our way while in the hospital. We are extremely thankful for all of the family members that have taken time out of their lives to help us and be with us, especially helping care for Dax. We are thankful for people that donate blood. Ryker didn't have to have many transfusions, but he did need some. We are thankful for the medical team at PCMC. We are thankful for their knowledge.

Blessing Day.

This last weekend we blessed our sweet little piece of Heaven. Because of his special circumstances and not wanting to expose our little Heaven to many germs we did this spiritual occassion in our home. With a small group of people. Only Grandparents & Greats, Aunts & Uncles, and of course our adopted family the Carlsons'. I am so thankful that I am married to a man that is a worthy Priesthood holder and he was the one that gave Ryker his name & blessing.

He wore Daxton's Blessing outfit and Grandma Julie Phillips made this beautiful afgan. He is such a wonderful baby. Thank you to everyone who participated in the Blessing of our little Miracle baby.