Amazing!

Hello there! It has been awhile. We have had an amazing summer. My kids are amazing. My husband is amazing. Right now life is amazing! I haven't blogged for a while now, so why don't I do some updating.. Paige: I have lost just about 25lbs. I was diagnosed with Bells Palsy, and it is still hanging strong :/ Nine months with it on Saturday. It is draining me. I get discouraged. Most of my friends say it's hardly noticeable, but I notice is.. especially when I say words like spinach. I would say it has improved, but seriously I would do almost anything to get my smile back 100%. While on my road to weight loss, I took up running. I made it up for 3.5 miles and then it became summer and got too hot for me to run, so I stopped and I do Zumba at home. Ray: He has gone from working in Thermopolis, Wyoming to working about an hour away from home so he is HOME EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! Yippee!! He studied his little heart out and passed his 4th year Electrical Apprenticeship. Soon following he tested and PASSED his Electrical Journeyman test! He is officially a licensed Journeyman! Not just that, but he got promoted to Electrical Foreman for Elkhorn Construction contractors for Solvay Chemicals. He is awesome! In just a few short years he will be testing for his Masters. We have lots and lots of studying ahead! Now, here comes the bragging.. the kiddos Daxton: He is now a Sunbeam. He turns FOUR years old on Saturday! He is such a good helper. He loves his baby brother so very much. He is so smart, and he is starting preschool tomorrow. Wow, where does the time go? I can't wait to see what school helps him blossom into. He is such a sweet spirit. (A little story..) We were at the play ground and there was this little boy there playing by himself. Well I am unsure what all happened (I maybe heard that he kicked Dax, or that Dax kicked him they are 3 so who knows what really happened..) well they little boy started to cry. So I asked Dax what was going on and then I asked him if he was crying what would he want someone to do too/for him? Well I glance away and look up and Dax has his arm around the other little boy. The next thing I know is that they are playing and having a blast. Later Dax tells me that he is his new best friend. Ryker: A lot of new things have happened to this boy. He started crawling about 8 months at first it was army crawling. Then in July he broke his collar bone (he fell out of the truck..) and it must have irritated his collar bone to army crawl so he started "official" crawling. He turned ONE!! He is a monster. A cute monster. But seriously he is into anything and everything and loves to put it all in his mouth. He stands up for a few seconds by himself and loves to cruise along furniture. He would also spend all day long walking with your hand. He is little. Not on the charts for his weight and head, but they are both showing a nice curve right along side the "chart" line. His height is in the 20th percentile. (16lbs & 28in) He says "Mama" a lot, "dada" "dax" "ball" and "kitty" Nothing is slowing him down. He is a champ.

Time.

Wow. Where has the time gone? I can't believe Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and that Christmas is creeping up on us so fast. It is offical, we have been lovin on our sweet baby boy for three months now. He looks about the size of a 8 or 9 week old baby. Which I am ok with, as long as he is growing. He is such a joy for our family. I love him a little more each day. The last few days he has learned how to be a champion tummy timer. I'm anxiously awaiting his roll overs. He loves to smile at just about anybody at any time as long as you talk sweetly to him. He sleeps great at night, with a pretty long nap most days, I can't complain. Dax enjoys him too! He is always hugging, kissing, playing, and lovin on the baby brother. Dax is such a good help at throwing diapers away and laying next to Ryker while watching TV so I can shower or do the dishes. Dax man is THREE. He loves Spiderman & Batman. His favorite movie right now is "Monsters VS Aliens" & he loves to hit anything and everything with his foam sword. So visitors beware. He's also been into jumping. He jumps off of our steps, he jumps off of the curb, he jumps off the couch and bed. I'm afraid he's going to break his leg or foot or arm. Oh well. He's such a happy boy. He loves to read. We have been practicing his letters. Since we skipped out on Preschool this year, I try to do some form of learning throughout the day so he will keep his genius little brain working. Ray is away for work during the weekdays. He is in Thermopolis, WY. Boo! It's hard work being a single Mom. I don't mind the day routine, but night is killing me. Oh well, it won't be forever. I hope. I'm just counting my blessings. One of which is that Ray IS working. Even if it is away from us. We are having fun. We are all healthy, and happy. We pray constantly that it stays that way. We have witnessed first hand that it {Health} can change in an instant.

Cameron Thomas Roedel

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It has been seven years, one month and eleven days that my perfect, beautiful, tiny baby nephew Cameron was born. He was born sleeping. Just two months before his actual due date. It breaks my heart, for my sister. For her pain. Giving birth to a sleeping baby. She, Kami has shown me strength. She knew something was wrong. She went to the hospital the day before he was born. She heard his heart beat. It was strong. The Doctor sent her home. Said it's "normal" to bleed in pregnancy. She heard his heart beat the day before. THE DOCTOR SENT HER HOME. Could he still be here? Possibly. He was much to perfect for this world. He is now our guardian angel. I have felt his presence on more than one occasion. I am so thankful for the knowledge of the gospel, knowing that if I live right while on this earth, I will be reunited with this sweet spirit. Cameron is cheering us on. I can't wait to hug that boy.

2 Months Old!

This little Rockstar turned 2 months old!! He went to visit the Doctor yesterday. He is teeny tiny. But healthy.

Rykers stats: Weight- 9lbs 1oz (5%) Height- 21 3/4 in (5%) Head- 35.5 cm (3%) He is sleeping wonderfully through the night. He is such a good baby. He loves to be held. He loves his Big Brother. He also loves his Mama, he knows when I am holding him that is for sure. We love him soo much!!

First photos

Here are some of Ryker's first photos taken...

Look how absolutely beautiful he is!! I'm so very heart broken our first moments were taken from us, and we weren't able to bond in those first few days of life. But, I am so thankful he is still here.

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I'm going to sound like a broken record, but I am so thankful at how our situation turned out. Every now and then at night when Ryker is hooked up to his oxygen and pulse-ox I have a pouty party. I just wish it was easy for us to move from our room to lets say the living room. But it's not. It's a chore. It's a hassle. It's just plain frustrating. So, I give a small little cry, and get over it. I don't have much to pout about. Ryker is healthy!! My so very very sick baby is healthy. I am so thankful. Yesterday I read about a few families that also gave birth to a baby with PPHN. Some that were optimistic and reasurring, and some not so much. How did we get so lucky? It's amazing that we knew before this life what trials we were going to be given. We accepted those trials whole heartedly. Knowing that we would get a body, we were okay with them. I know that Heavenly Father wouldn't give us more than we can handle, and the reason being is that he would never NOT help us through what has been thrown or way. Because of all of the tender mercies given to us by our Father in Heaven, Ryker is going to be living a full life. There was a girl that I graduated High School with whose daughter was called to be home with our Heavenly Father at the young age at 1.5 years old. I remember one of her blog posts while she was enduring her trial stated "People ask me if I ever think, 'why me?' And I can't help but think, 'why not me?'" That hit too close to home. While at PCMC I would continue to repeat this to myself. Fortunately for us, we get to spend our days at home, with our sweet little heaven to help cheer us up through the hard days. What I am trying to get at is in the life before this, Ray and I both knew that this was going to be thrown our way. We were accepting of this trial. We knew Heavenly Father wouldn't stop helping us. With his comfort and guidence we did get through it. Somedays better than others, but we managed.

Pondering..

I write this post not to be negative, or show how naive I was during the last two months of my life, and first two months of my baby's life. I write this post, because I still find myself in somewhat denial (if that is the right term..?) I don't understand how a completely healthy pregnancy ALL 38.5 weeks can take a turn for the worst in an instant. I have heard a couple times that it was because he was born at 38.5 weeks, and that his lungs weren't developed. That is false. His lungs were fine, in that sense. Believe me, once I got to PCMC that was one of the first questions that I asked. I asked if the fact that he was born at 38.5 weeks was the cause of this, and if his lungs were under-developed, they were not. I always run through my head what I told my Doctor at almost every appointment after 20 weeks.. "just another boring day at the Doctor's office, nothing eventful to report here" and his reply would always be, "we like uneventful here." I always wonder, and think in my head if my "excitement" for an uneventful pregnancy lead Ryker to have this happen to him. Seriously, I know what you are thinking.. But that is what I think, ALL THE TIME. My pregnancy was so good to me. Besides being and feeling huge which is to be expected, I didn't have any symtoms. Maybe the ocassional indigestion. But I threw up ~maybe~ 3 or 4 times, never got swollen, didn't have high blood pressure (it actually improved) no gestational diabetes, even my headaches went away. I just don't understand how such a healthy and happy pregnancy can change in an instant. No one will ever know what it is like, the feeling that has been consuming me, unless you have been there. While in the NICU I met a whole bunch of parents, with babies that have different needs, different conditions, different prognosis, etc. I met parents that weren't as careful as they should be when they were pregnant. Sadly resulting in their baby needing NICU care. I also met parents that were just as or even more careful than I was that were also in the NICU. Doing everything right, and never forgetting to take a prenatal vitamin, avoiding certain foods, and drinks and still having a sick baby. I even stopped taking my anti-depressant, before I even took a pregnancy test. I wanted a healthy baby, and I wouldn't have wanted something that I did affect their quality of life. The hardest thing that I kept hearing from almost every nurse while we were there was how sick my baby was. I mean, I knew he was sick but I hated hearing those words. Here comes the naive part of me. Okay, I'm not so sure if it was the naive part of me, or if it was the comfort from the priesthood blessings that I received. But I would hear negativenot so positive comments from multiple people; Doctors, NNP's, nurses, & family members. I know they were just preparing us for the worst, but I honestly wouldn't listen. Again, here's my naive self.. I knew or had a feeling that everything was going to be ok. Looking back now, it kills me to look at his pictures. Thank goodness for medications that can sedate. Thank goodness that the wonderful people that took care of him could control his pain. He is honestly the strongest person I have ever EVER known, and he calls me his Mommy. Since being home, I have had the strength to learn about PPHN {Persistant Pulmonary Hypertension Newborn} I am in complete shock. It is honestly amazing the things the medical field can do, and amazing that he is alive. *Persistent pulmonary hypertension of the newborn (PPHN) occurs when a newborn's circulation system does not adapt to breathing outside the womb. While a fetus is in the womb, it gets its oxygen from its mother's placenta through the umbilical cords, so the lungs need little blood supply. There is high blood pressure in the lungs, so blood in the pulmonary artery is sent away from the lungs to the other organs through a fetal blood vessel, called the ductus arteriosus. When a baby is born and takes its first breaths, the blood pressure in their lungs falls and there is an increased blood flow to the lungs, where oxygen and carbon dioxide are exchanged. The blood is then returned to the heart and pumped back out to the body. The ductus arteriosus constricts and permanently closes in the first day of life. However, in babies with PPHN, the pressure in the lungs remains high and the ductus arterious remains open, allowing blood to be directed away from the lungs. PPHN is a rare, but life-threatening condition. It occurs most often in full-term or post-term babies who have had a difficult birth, or conditions such as infection or birth asphyxia, in which a baby receives an inadequate amount of oxygen during delivery. *information taken from http://www.persistent-pulmonary-hypertension-newborn.com/Persistent-Pulmonary-Hypertension.html Baby Ryker is doing extrememly well. We have been home for 3 weeks now. He is still on oxygen at night, and at nap time. But, he is on the lowest setting on his oxygen tanks. We are extremely thankful for all of the prayers that have been offered in his behalf. We are extremely thankful for the people that have donated financially to Ryker to help out with medical bills, and other financial obligations that were thrown our way while in the hospital. We are extremely thankful for all of the family members that have taken time out of their lives to help us and be with us, especially helping care for Dax. We are thankful for people that donate blood. Ryker didn't have to have many transfusions, but he did need some. We are thankful for the medical team at PCMC. We are thankful for their knowledge.

Blessing Day.

This last weekend we blessed our sweet little piece of Heaven. Because of his special circumstances and not wanting to expose our little Heaven to many germs we did this spiritual occassion in our home. With a small group of people. Only Grandparents & Greats, Aunts & Uncles, and of course our adopted family the Carlsons'. I am so thankful that I am married to a man that is a worthy Priesthood holder and he was the one that gave Ryker his name & blessing.

He wore Daxton's Blessing outfit and Grandma Julie Phillips made this beautiful afgan. He is such a wonderful baby. Thank you to everyone who participated in the Blessing of our little Miracle baby.

Dax says..

Randomly while driving in the car.. "If the pieces of my body break, will you have to get a new kid?"- Dax 9/02/12

Day #14 8/24/12

Woohoo Buddy!! Today you are getting moved out of the NICU and put on the floor. You are still part of the NICU, you just don't need to have a nurse by your side 24/7. You also get off your high flow canula today and put on a low flow that if we need to we can bring it home with us. We are also introducing the breast today. You get your pic-line out tonight after your antibiotics are finished!! Such a champ!!! We made it to the floor little man! Great job, keep up the great work!

Day #10 8/20/12

Hi Baby, You are doing so well! You got to be in a crib today. With real clothes on! Baby, I cannot wait to take you home. I want you with me. I know I come visit you all the time. I know you need a little more time to get better, but tonight I am feeling a bit selfish. I got to read you some books today, baby. I also got to hold you for a longgg time. I love you baby. Please continue to get stronger and better. I need you in my arms at home. Love, Mommy

8/19/12- Day #9

Oh buddy you are doing good! You are taking your feedings well. They are upping the amount today.

8/17/12

I gave you a sponge bath!

8/15/12

I GET TO HOLD YOU RYKER!!!

8/14/12

Yep, I cry.. A LOT! I cry when I pump. I cry when I eat. I cry when I shower. I cry when I talk about Dax. I cry when I look at my sweet baby Ry. I cry when I am happy. I cry when I am relieved. I cry when I am sad. I cry when I think about the future. I cry when I remember the past. I cry because I am grateful. Tonight when your Daddy and I left the hospital I was sitting out front waiting for him to pick me up. While sitting there I heard life flight. I broke down. Started bawling! I believe it was the same helicopter that you flew in baby. A whole bunch of memories and emotions came flooding back. I couldn't help but cry.

8/13/12

I was asked on Saturday if I wanted my hospital bracelets taken off. It was something I didn't even have to think about. I instantly said "no". Now Monday, I have yet to take it off. As does your Dad. It's a part of you baby Ryker. I'm not sure what it does for Daddy, but for me it's like I have a piece of you still with me. I can't hold you, feed you, cuddle you, rock you or sing to you whenever I want. So it fills an empty spot in my heart. Like you are with me. It reminds me of you. Reminds me what it was like when you were in my tummy kicking, and punching, and having the hiccups. What I would give to put you back in. To have you close to me for one more day. As much as I was tire of being pregnant, tired of being tired, and tired of not being able to move. I would give just about anything to have you close to me. You are doing extremely well. We will one day; hopefully sooner than later, be able to have skin contact again. Keep pushing baby, so that I can hold you on my chest. I love you so much!

Life..

8/11/12 Dear Ryker, In a few hours you will be ONE day old. I have held you a total of maybe five minutes. Oh how I crave to smell and touch your precious body. I know you are in good hands at PCMC. Please fight baby. There are so many people that are rooting for you. I'm overwhelmed with the love that we have been shown. Your big brother so badly wants you home. As do I. We want to play with you, cuddle you, sing you songs, and read you books. I am sure Dax has a plan to teach you all his little tricks. Watching you hooked up to all those wires and machines broke my heart little one. I can't imagine what you are going though. I wish I could take all of your pain and suffering away. I can't answer any questions right now as to what is wrong with you. You came into the world screaming and grabbing OR instruments. Your apgar score were good, you were beautiful. You ARE beautiful! You look like your big brother. You both have the same nose and lips and round little faces. You are our shorty though. Weighing in at 6lbs 11oz and being a whopping 18 inches tall. Teeny teeny tiny. BUT you have good genes on both sides of your family. You are strong, you are a fighter! I love and miss you terribly. You can do this! We can do this!

8/12/12 7:43PM

Dear Ryker, Today everyone had to leave at some point to return to their jobs and other obligations. It was so hard leaving your brother. Dad and I are pretty excited we get you to ourselves for a few days. We have been overly grateful for the amount of support we have recieved from family and friends. There are so many people that love and care for you. You are so strong. I want you to know the power of the priesthood is amazing! The tender mercies of Heavenly Father are unforgettable. The church is true baby boy. I hope you have the love for the church that your daddy and I do. It does some pretty remarkable things. God is good. He knows your body better than anyone! He knows your strong desire to live a full satisfied life. Love, Mom

Saturday August 11th 2012

1 day old. Baby Ryker, oh how I love you so much! You are such a strong boy. You make me so happy. I miss you terribly. I miss when you kick me, I miss your hiccups, I miss your punches. I miss your lips and your nose. You got those two adorable traits from your brother. I got released today from the hospital. The doctor told me to take it east and that is what I am going to do. Daxton, Grandma Lorie, Kami and myself are headed down to PCMC to come see you. I am going to kiss every inch of you!! I crave your touch baby. I called down to check on you at 1:40PM before I was discharged from the hospital and the nurse was very optimistic. That makes My heart so happy. She said that your chest x-rays looked good, and that your oxygen levels were good and there is oxygen in BOTH lungs. She said that you are sedated just so that your body can do what it needs to do without over working. You also had an echo cardiogram done today and your heart is ok. Keep chugging along little man. I will see you in a couple hours. I love you!

The Helicopter

8/11/2012 3:09AM- Ryker you were taken from South Lincoln Medical Center and flow to Primary Children's Medical Center in Salt Lake City, UT due to a due to a collapsed lung and many other unnamed problems. Your sweet big brother was such a trooper on the day of your birth. He is going to be such a great role model for you! I think that he was a little envious that you got to ride in the helicopter, and he didn't. But as you flew away, he waved good bye to you and said, "bye baby brother!" He loves you so much! While you were being worked on, and stabilized enough to get flown to PCMC we explained to Dax that you were sick and had to be somewhere else. He looked at us and said, "Why? This hospital doesn't work?" Ryker, I cannot wait to hear you say things like this to me. I love you and your brother more than you could ever imagine. Get stronger baby boy!